last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize