My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
