i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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