We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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