You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
