Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
