remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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