I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
