Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
