Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
