Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
