if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
