My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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