I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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