It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
