i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
