oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just invented taco cereal.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
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