Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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