Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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