1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
