Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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