Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
