I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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