Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
