Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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