you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
