Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
