Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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