im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
