I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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