Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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