If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
