Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I need moral support for this bender
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
