my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
FUCK WHALES
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