wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
