Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
