I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
