I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
