Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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