I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
sex in a hospital.. check
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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