The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize