dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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