Yo dont text me then not text me
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize