I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Randomize