Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
