Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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