Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
