Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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