remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
