I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
