you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
