hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize