Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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