i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
