Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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