I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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