I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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