I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
