i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you had me at cake vodka
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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