Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
